ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.