Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Those are good neighbors.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice