If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.