A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Time for evil
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?