Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter