Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation