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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
the rocks need my help
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.