I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses