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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Effort made
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.