Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.