Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one