Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
You Might Also Like
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.