The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Is….Is this an option?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?