I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“what that mouth do?” complain
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together