“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
You Might Also Like
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Netflix and you sit over there.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
awkward
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.