I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!