Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
This rocks
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN