Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
relationship goals
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
being a writer on Twitter:
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.