waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
prepare for carbonated trouble
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.