I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.