Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.