If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.