Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
as is their right
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.