CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Godspeed, John Glenn
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes