I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol