Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.