In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
it’s a van. how do they not know this
im 7 sauces long
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
🤣🤣
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?