Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick