Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
You Might Also Like
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.