I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
That’s incredible! 👌
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
A fake ID that makes you younger
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.