the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.