[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend