Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Whoa 😂
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies