Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
For those that worship cheese..
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.