Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.