What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?