Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure