When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.