Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
goldfish mafia
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Who says great literature is dead?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC