My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.