Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.