TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
lmfao
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.