as is their right
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The internet is full of many things
The funk soul brother
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.