losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I did not eat the cake…
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts