oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.