keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
You Might Also Like
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
this isn’t threatening at all
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Sheep
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.