Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
🐕🍷
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“I’m helping” 😅
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast