People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
damn he’s good
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton