I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no