Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.